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New Port Ellen is really an Allt-a-Bhainne

Everybody’s going crazy after news just broke about A NEW PORT ELLEN!!!!! After thorough research into the matter from the huge team here at Tjeders whisky, we can now reveal that this bottling is even MORE special: it’s really an Allt-a-Bhainne. We know this after having unlocked the press release, setting Word to ”Track changes”, and thus seeing the original draft of the widely circulated press release, now being shared like so many re-tweets of your common word of wisdom from Mr. Trump. This is what the press release actually says:

Allt-a-Bhainne releases a 39-Year-Old single malt from original, finite stocks

In early April, Allt-a-Bhainne will introduce the first exclusive release of the “Untold Stories Series” worldwide, an exploration into the innovative and trailblazing background of this iconic Speyside distillery. Allt-a-Bhainne Untold Stories The Spirit Safe, a 39-Year-Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky, is one of the oldest releases from the revered distillery. With only 1,500 bottles produced, it will be available from selected luxury retailers globally.

The liquid inside.

The Allt-a-Bhainne distillery was founded in 1975. While the world is still waiting for it to release any truly great whisky, only a finite amount of its older stock remains after it has been blended away. Since 2001, the small batch releases of Allt-a-Bhainne stocks in the renowned Special SPECIAL ULTRASPECIAL Releases Series from Chivas Brothers have been highly sought after. This launch marks the first global release since the Single Malt stopped being part of the yearly Special SPECIAL ULTRASPECIAL Releases, making it a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own one of the finest Single Malts around the globe.

An elegant and complex Single Malt Scotch Whisky, expertly married from a selection of ex US-Bourbon and ex European Sherry refill casks, never before has a whisky of this age been released to the community, at a global level. Seriously, it has never happened. We dare you to try and find any release from any distillery which has contained whisky around 39 years old or over in the last ten years, which was released in small numbers with a huge box for the bottle. So, this is the first time anyone has thought of this. For real. Yes. We are speaking the truth here.

Renowned for its alluring, grassy wilderness and unforgiving coast line (which has everything to do with the liquid in the bottle, the coastline having imparted particular flavours to the whisky, and especially so the fact that it is abslutely unforgiving), Allt-a-Bhainne has been established as a cult whisky with unrivalled depth. This release embodies the regular grass from the local Speyside grassy hills, but comes across slightly softer. Radiant in appearance, with exquisite beading, its smooth texture and sweet, salty then grassy taste gives a complex yet balanced finish.

Wankiers (that’s bankers merged with another word) everywhere are screaming ”I’m gonna flip this bitch!”

The secret Master Distiller at Allt-a-Bhainne said “Setting a rare precedent for exceptional whisky since the beginning in 1823 when the distillery which made this whisky did not exist in any shape or form whatsoever, this release is a perfect exploration of how early innovation at the distillery played a role in shaping the whisky industry as a whole. No, don’t stop to re-read that sentence the marketing guys just wrote for me, please. What, you did? Well yes, I do believe that what happened in the early ninteeenth century more than a hundred years before the distillery which made this whisky was built does indeed impart some flavours to these particular casks. Remember, Allt-a-Bhainne was the first distillery where the innovation of the spirit safe was first tried! Anyways, there’s an ethereal quality to Allt-a-Bhainne and to the distillery itself. It is not easy to grasp what makes it so unique, but the people definitely matter. Through this release we hope to give more insight into why it is so special a liquid, not just for its flavour, but for its history.”

Jom Tones, Global Prestige Brand Ambassador comments “This Allt-a-Bhainne: Untold Stories The Spirit Safe, 39-Year-Old, is an exceptional Single Malt Scotch whisky from this storied distillery in Speyside. Its ground-breaking founder skilfully harnessed the region’s alluring hills (the hills were attacking the distillery, but he stopped them with techniques which were later revealed in the documentary The last airbender) and unforgiving (yes!) coast line (yes!!!!!) to create a distillery which produced cult whiskies with unrivalled depth. There is the regular grass from the local grass, but this one is softer. As this release has been selected from a small number of casks, it is very different to other Allt-a-Bhainne releases. Authentic in character, as it came from the casks and natural in colour, this liquid will no doubt inspire connoisseurs and collectors alike to own this once in a lifetime piece of history.”

A treasured whisky from the beginning, exquisite details from the spirit safe’s traditional craftsmanship have been woven into the design of the release. Only the holders of two unique keys can unlock the precious single malt from its box. (Seriously, when we came up with this thing, we pissed ourselves laughing in the marketing department and added another thousand pounds to the price. We still haven’t decided if we’re going to sell the keys separately, as a kind of surprise thingy.) The first key unlocks the wrapping, the second key opens the window to the bottle, beautifully telling a story of innovative spirit and industry standard setting.

Allt-a-Bhainne: Untold Stories The Spirit Safe will be available from selected luxury retailers globally from early April 2019 onwards. In the UK (domestic), RRSP of £4,500 per 70cl bottle. Keys may or may not be another £300 each and may or may not fit the locks on the box.

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