Diageo Partners With Elon Musk In Ultimate Johnnie Wanker Russian Oligarch Bum-Sucking Orgies Experience

Diageo, the world’s largest spirits company, is ushering in a new era for luxury Scotch whisky. They have recently unveiled the bespoke and much anticipated Johnnie Wanker Vault, a rare craft milieu for unique luxurious experiences. It’s called a Vault but, having visited for a rare preview, we can now reveal that it really is a question of Dungeons. Plural.

These secretly created bespoke subterranean dungeons under the Johnnie Walker Experience in Edinburgh will soon become the venue for carefully curated craft bumsucking orgies. The dungeons are specially designed to entice Russian oligarchs wishing to launder money while being spanked with rare and unique craftmanship by underaged girls dressed in nothing but the thinnest slices of exclusive Scottish curated bacon.

Partaking in this exceptionally rare possibility start at as low as £50,000.

The Johnnie Wanker Dungeons have a ”commitment to the evolving desires of the luxury consumer and to transforming luxury orgies through elevated personalisation, unique experiences and exceptional products”, the Managing Director of Diageo Luxury Group explains. Such bespoke craft commitment to the everchanging desires of the core consumers of the product one produces is surely a thing rarely seen today.

These Johnnie Wanker Dungeons push the boundaries while disrupting the category of craft orgies. Any visitor will be awed by the sheer luxuriousness and the unique bespokeness of the venue. A number of exceptionally rare and carefully curated sixteenth-century buttplugs formerly owned by none other than King Henry VIII have been re-envisioned and restored to their former glory, to be used by visitors at will.

Was it once in a Tudor, and will it one day be in you? Image credit: Etsy.

These visionary dungeons and the craft of precision spanking techniques constitute a precious ode to heritage and artistry, with the continuous ambition to create unique storied experiences through the medium of bespoke orgies.

After a night of heavy bumsucking and perhaps even the odd bacon spanking, each new patron of the Johnnie Wanker Dungeons is presented with a crystal decanter handcrafted in France by the highly skilled artisans of the Baccarat House.

For those interested in signing up to partake in this bespoke craft luxurious kinkstery, please note that the first tickets are reserved for visionary cultural leaders and artists of global renown who are open for special collaborations. As a natural first choice for the spirits field in which Diageo usually works, the first such collaboration is planned to be with someone working in haute couture.

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Oh, you came here for the Elon Musk? Yeah, that was pure clickbait. As you can see from the links above, the rest of the story is totally true.